That fine line between Passion and Abuse.
That fine line between Passion and Abuse.
I’ve always heard about how too much of something is never good for you. I just never really thought about applying that rule to a relationship before. At least not until now.
Unfortunately, as many do, I had to learn this the hard way. So trust me when I tell you that this information is coming first hand from a 20 year old woman.
There are always, and I mean *ALWAYS* fine lines that separate good things from not so good things. These fine lines have always been there and always will be. There won’t be any large flashing warning sign telling you that you’re getting close to crossing; or a ‘welcome to hell’ sign as you cross over. Life just doesn’t work that way. It sucks right!? – My thoughts exactly.
In hindsight, there were a million warning signs that things with me and my fiancé had gone south. WAY SOUTH. But that’s just it. We never seem to see things as they are in the moment. I guess it’s a part of being human… one of the sucky parts that is.
The thing is; I knew what the symptoms of being in an abusive relationship were. I had read the books about the cycle of violence, and even taken a few college psychology classes about it. None of the prep classes, readings and courses could have saved me.
So let’s start at the beginning: falling in love. The night I met him, (we will call my ex fiancé X to protect his identity and that of my own) we had agreed to just casually meet up and talk about life, and other random stuff. He brought me a flower, and later that evening asked if he could hold my hand. He literally had me at hello. Of course, falling in love doesn’t happen overnight or in a week, but there was just something about him that I liked… A LOT. As the weeks flew by, X and I continued to meet, socialize and go on adventures to the roller rink and park. He held doors, brought me flowers, wrote me cute notes, and even asked if he could hold my hand. He even put me on his phone plan! (In hindsight... that was a BIG MISTAKE!!!) Everything seemed perfect, and at the time… honestly was.
### Truth #1: Five months isn’t long enough to fully get to know someone; and CERTAINLY not long enough to be put on their phone plan…
So we started dating, casually at first and then things got rather serious about 5 months in. X dropped a hint about getting engaged and I was more than willing. Yeah, looking back, five months is nothing in the span of a lifetime, but come on!!! It was my first time actually falling in love. X then, without me even knowing, bought me a ring, talked to my parents about marrying me, as well as his own and proposed to me while we were walking along a river walk. It might not sound very romantic to you, but for me it was. I’m a shy kind of gal and I love the outdoors. The river walk was beautiful that day, and it was just at sunset as he proposed. Of course I said yes!!! I was in love. Stupidly in love…
### Truth #2: A relationship built on lies and deceit will never get you anywhere. Liars never change.
It was 4 months later that I found out X had lied to me about his childhood. If it were a little white lie I could have gotten past that… but it wasn’t. He lied about getting abused and raped as a child. He lied about his parents being cruel, and his family being horrible. He lied about how his past 23 relationships ended because he had been caught lying. (No I didn’t know he had been in 23 relationships. He said 6….. – Insert frustrated look-)
### Truth #3: Once you betray trust, and a person feels used, you might as well get your sh*t together or end it there.
That’s when I began feeling betrayed and used. But honestly, can you blame me? He lied to me about who he was… How can I be engaged to someone I don’t really know!? I should have ended it there like a smart little lady, but again, hindsight is always clearer. I saw so much potential and good in him, I felt used and betrayed but… I loved him.
I will conveniently title this paragraph THE BEGINNING OF THE END. I was upset and hurt that he had lied to me about so many things… I think it’s fair to think that anyone in my shoes would feel somewhat of the same way… I was seriously upset and hurt, so I started to shy away from his kisses, and not want sex as much anymore.. But even when I said ‘no’ he kept asking…
### Truth #4: NEVER and I mean NEVER get on someone else’s phone plan!!!!!!!!!
X was one of the jealous type. He wasn’t at first, but when I started to shy away, he quickly became that way. He couldn’t keep a job for longer than 2 months, and he never stopped texting me. He began following and tracking where I was on find my I phone, controlling who I could and couldn’t talk to, and even kept me from my family. Like I said earlier, when we got engaged, X had put me on his phone plan… big mistake. Of course, like any couple might, I let him see my text messages, and know my apple ID… again… big mistake on my part. Things escalated from there very quickly. Because I was on his phone plan he threatened to end my service. When I was ok with that, he threatened to never let me leave his house… when I was ok with that… he threatened to cut the tires on my car so I had no way to leave… when I was ok with that, he slammed me up against the wall and threatened me. Woah right!? Crazy bad.
### Truth #5: Hindsight is always and I mean ALWAYS clearer…
Looking back, I am appalled that I let him treat me the way he did. These things didn’t happen right after another. It often occurred in a cycle more or less: the cycle of violence. For those who don’t seem to know what the cycle or the phases are; the cycle of violence has three phases: the Honeymoon Phase, the Tension Building Phase and the Acute Explosion Phase. www.domesticpeace.com/images/c…
The Cycle of Violence
* The first phase being the Honeymoon phase where everything seems perfect. The abuser, draws the victim in, makes them feel loved and perfectly happy. Everything is GREAT. They do what they said they would do to ‘fix’ the relationship so to speak and are seemingly making great progress in the right direction.
* The second phase being the Tension building phase. He starts to isolate from you, puts down, is moody, doesn’t show affection, drinking or drugs, sullen, threatens and or criticizes.
* The third and final phase being the Acute explosion phase. This could include some if not all of the following; choking, hitting, restraining, imprisoning, rape, humiliation, beating and or destruction of property.
So, as you are probably starting to be able to tell, sh*t got crazy and I was living a quite to literal version of the phrase ‘my life is a living hell’.
### Truth #6: If you aren’t happy, it’s time to part ways.
In all honesty, my biggest regret was staying with him for as long as I did. I gave so much of myself to this young man. I gave him so much of my time, devoted affection, kindness, insight, worry, mind, body, life and heart to him that it literally destroyed me when I finally chose to stand up for myself.
I thought it was ironically hilarious that, when I finally put my foot down and began standing up for myself, I was the one at fault for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. No matter what I said, or how I tried to reason with him, my words got twisted, tattered, altered, or forgotten entirely. You’re right. I’m the bad guy in this situation. All of this is my fault and my fault alone. ~ Oh the sarcasm.
Whatever happened to there being two people at fault in every argument? The one who instigated and the one who couldn’t seem to just let it go!?!? I guess not…
### Truth #7: There is no easy way to put this. Break up, walk out, get away, change your life, and never look back.
I guess leaving was the hardest part. Part of me still loved him. Not the abusive side of him, but the side that came out once in a blue moon; the side that cared the world about me. I really do miss that part of him. The loving affection, caring notes, cute texts in the morning and everything else. But then again, I’m miserable. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about upsetting X and getting killed because he lost his temper. I’m a simplistic gal, all I’ve ever really wanted was to be happy… and it took me about a year and a half to figure out that I was absolutely miserable with this guy. So I left him. I packed my bags and moved to an entire different state.
I guess what I’m trying to get at by telling you this is that there really IS a VERY FINE LINE between affection and abuse. As hard as it is to leave someone you love dearly, you have to be willing to make a choice. No relationship, big or small should ever require you to sacrifice your happiness. EVER.
Long story short, your significant other should be there to love and support you; to walk beside you as an equal, not behind you like a pathetic lost puppy or in front of you telling where you need to go. Your significant other should be your friend.
### Truth #8: Leave with class.
P.S. To Mr. X… You know who you are. If you are reading this, you have my best regards. I have no doubt that you will one day see the things that you did to me and put me through were not just wrong but abusive; just in case you don’t… watch where you step because Karma WILL eventually find you. Oh! And Just for the record… Going to the mall isn’t cheating. You’re crazy for ever thinking it was. I admit that I am not perfect, I am far from it. I could have done things differently in our relationship and I could have tried a little harder but honestly none of that matters now. I’m done, gone, not yours, free, single, happy, and myself again so stop making new profiles and trying to guilt me into getting back with you or admitting that I was the problem and the abuser. Get a job, work hard, find a girl and treat her right this time. Just keep the hell away from me.
